Peppers + Onions
+ ambient music = simple sustenance
Today’s playlist (I’ll explain in a minute):
For now, I’m slicing onions.
I’m actually slicing onions. I’m pretty hungry — I’d say a 6 on a scale from 1 to Eat My Cat — and yet I’m taking the time to not just slice these onions, but slice them thinly. You can see through these suckers.
I pop them into a hot skillet with some olive oil, listening for the comfortingly familiar sizzle when they hit the pan.
Next, I’m going to the fridge for some peppers, because wouldn’t that be nice? Oh, and I’m going to use one of these tomatoes, too…
Who am I?
Historically speaking, I do not have the greatest track record when it comes to patience … especially when I’m hungry.
When I’m hungry, I tend to choose the fastest. The easiest. Inherently, this does not typically include fresh fruits and vegetables. It usually comes from a package. It is not usually “balanced” regarding calories, macronutrients, or frankly logic.
So when I decided a few minutes ago to make myself a quesadilla, my very first thought was tortillas + cheese + microwave. I’ve done it loads of times. I’ve made microwave quesadillas, microwave nachos … the basic formulas is: salty carb + shredded cheese + quick start = quick scarf.
I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder only a few years ago, but this is one of the ways in which it has manifested in me my entire life. It doesn’t matter how much I’ve meal-planned and prepped — I will ignore the freshly printed recipes hanging on the refrigerator and grab the nearest item guaranteed to give me the biggest dopamine/serotonin hit with the least amount of effort.
It’s never broccoli, friends.
And yet, today, I’m not going to microwave my quesadilla. I’m going to cook it in the sauté pan in front of me that’s currently caramelizing my onions and — yep, here we go! — the peppers I just sliced.
While they’re having fun in the pan, I slice a tomato and place the slices onto a folded paper towel, placing another paper towel on top to absorb some of the extra water.
I’m just so calm and centered, y’all. And I think it’s because of my music.
Yes, that playlist I shared at the start of this post is playing throughout the house. I usually play it when I’m working, because I’ve found that ambient music, singing bowls, “spa” music, and even ASMR videos help me focus. Today, I put it on because … well, to be completely honest, it’s because I played pinball for a couple of hours yesterday in a bar that had the bass turned up to 5,000 and the overstimulation broke my brain and I’m still coming down from it.
The tones are so very soothing to my neurons. I think I need to listen to this more often. I think my brain really likes it. Maybe it’s audio Adderall. Things are just easier today. Decisions, processes, movements.
Maybe my Miracle Quesdilla isn’t all that impressive to you, but to me, it’s a meaningful accomplishment. It’s a reminder that I can take care of myself and make good decisions for my health and my body. The first good decision I made today was listening to my body and mind when it asked for some peaceful, grounding background (backgrounding? Yes, I’ve decided that’s a word now) music. This quesadilla is another good decision.
This is my backgrounding as I take my favorite gluten-free tortilla (which browns very nicely on a stovetop, by the way, no oil needed!) and place it on the cutting board. I carefully sprinkle some shredded Mexican-blend cheese on it.
Goodness, I’m even making less of a mess than I normally do.
I top it with some of the peppers and onions, three slices of tomato, and a little more cheese. The parcel goes into the hot pan, and I place another tortilla on top.
It’s all so very simple that I have a hard time ignoring the little voice that’s still there, in the way back of my brain (despite the plinky-plunky music) that lives for berating me about all of the fast-grabbing and microwaving and drive-thruing I’ve done for the last 42 years that have gotten me to this point — my heaviest weight, my wonkiest thyroid, my lowest iron, my [insert joy-crushing status here].
Even though I hear that voice, she’s very faint and very distant, because the sizzling onions and peppers are louder. The crackling tortilla is drowning her out. The ambient music is taking up her space.
And, most importantly, my other voice — my True voice — is ringing out loud and clear today. That other voice doesn’t stand a chance.
